The idea was to record a video roast, and I did. My flip camera is having technical difficulties so I have to transcribe my roast. And here it goes…
First I would like to say Happy 35th Birthday to my beloved brother Beto. When I was asked to put a roast together about him I got a bit nervous. I don’t think I have anything negative to say about him. I have the best older brother in this entire world.
He’s been like a father to me,

an awesome partner to Tara and dad to Ava,

a wonderful sibling,

and a perfect cousin.

There’s not much that I can say that would deem this a “note-worthy” roast OR is there?
Let me see…
I can start with his name or should I say “NAMES“. My brother has many aliases. He goes by Esvelto (his birth name), Beto, Pele, Pete….PETE. Really Beto? Pete? Where did you even come up with that one? It has nothing to do with your name?!?!?! I can also add a few more names based on PS3 games I’ve witnessed between him and Steven in which I’ve heard Steven address him as “my girl”, “bum”, and my favorite “my goat”. As a matter of fact, Beto not only has a bunch of names, he likes to assign names to those he dearly loves like “snoop”, “Jeromesssss”, and “C-money”. So Beto, what’s the deal with the names? So Beto, what’s the deal with the names? So Beto, what’s the deal with the names?
Why am I repeating myself, you ask? Well, because it’s a perfect segway to my next point. Beto, I love you dearly but MAN do you repeat yourself! Listening to your detailed phone messages is like listening to a record stuck on skip. Ouch. All jokes aside Beto, what’s the deal with you repeating yourself?
It could stem from childhood, a feeling of not being heard, maybe? NAH, you were a quiet kid, but you were heard. Not only were you the first born, you were the first male. Mami’s little companion…Now that I think of it, that role hasn’t really changed much, huh?
Let’s take a look at Exhibit a,b, and c:
Exhibit A

(Here we have Beto by Mami’s feet)
Exhibit B

(I can picture Mami saying “…now be a good boy and go get Mami her slippers, these heels are killing me.”)
Exhibit C

(“don’t be fooled by the chains that I rock, I’m still, I’m still Beto from the block chillin with my momdukes”)
Beto, not that I’m outing you, but you are a M-A-M-A’-S B-O-Y! The type of mama’s boy that will never consider leaving the state of Massachusetts because my mom lives in Hyde Park, MA. The type of mama’s boy that used to get nervous when home alone and hungry because he needed someone to serve him meals. I remember getting home after school late only to hear a voice say “Maye, can you take out food for me?” I used to think to myself, “he’s been home for hours and he had to wait for me to get home so that he could eat?” Later I discovered that Beto had an eating disorder known as canyoutakefoodoutforme-idis.
The females in his life had a lot to do with his disorder (sorry Tara, we’ve created a monster). We were enablers. I guess I did it because I felt like I owed him. You see, as a little girl I used to wear Beto’s clothes without permission. What can I say? It was the 90s! Baggy clothes were in style and my brother had the best clothes! He had all the latest AND 1 Basketball shirts. My brother had style since he was a young lad! Check out my brother’s suit ware, his shirt game was serious, and he had the red sock game on smash!






The last thing I’ll say about my brother is that he’s always been a great athlete…





Growing up, he’s admired some of the best athletes of all time….

but sadly to report, on the basketball court Beto resembles Albert Haynesworth more than Michael Jordan!

Beto, this was all in good fun. We all love you. You are a unique brother. One of a kind. Have a great year full of laughs and fun. Like Curtis said, you’re not getting older, you’re getting better but not at fantasy football.
Cheers!
Maye